Happy Anniversary Paul – 40 Days of Thankfulness

Today, Paul and I celebrate our one-year anniversary. Well … it is the chronological date of our anniversary, but we’ll be celebrating later this week when there isn’t a threat of a level 3 weather event occurring. Last year it was a beautiful 75 degrees and sunny, today it’s gray, cold and we’re bracing for an ice storm. And that’s OK. I have him for the rest of my life so a little celebration can wait.

Many wives feel that they are the luckiest people alive to have their spouses in their lives, and we all are right. There are quite a lot of lucky people in this world. Here are just 10 simple reasons while I feel that I am the luckiest:

10. Makes me laugh every day. Not that every day is a laughfest, but we can at least chuckle every day whether it’s a pun, a tickle, a joke or just a funny original Christmas song.

9. Treats strangers well. I have learned that if a person doesn’t treat the check-out clerk, a server or any stranger in the community well, then they won’t treat those they love well. He always has a smile for people and kind words, never judging or making fun of someone less fortunate or in a different circumstance. He's always compassionate and kind to others.

8. Brought me closer on my spiritual journey. I’ve been on a spiritual journey seeking a greater connection to God and wanting to learn more about God trying out different belief systems for size and never seeming to fit. Paul then introduced me to the United Church of Christ with inclusion for all, love and understanding for all, and peace and justice for all – but no hypocrisy. I found that it’s OK (and even encouraged) to question traditional beliefs and I feel closer to God than ever before.

7. Loves my dog(s) and kitties. Paul instantly loved my puppies Finn and Polly and though his dog Millie wasn’t too keen on them, we easily melded into a family. He even placated his allergies to like my cats Misha and Lassie. Paul was there to comfort me when it was time for Finn to pass and he helped me understand my feelings – even when I said I hated God. Paul told me that it was OK to be angry at God at the time, God was big enough to get over it.

6. Asked me to marry him (sort of) on our third date. “So how do you think you would feel being a pastor’s wife?” was the question presented to the girl who liked to spend her weekends bar hopping and partying. “I could do it, but I still want to wear cool clothes and drink martinis,” was the response. We had a deal.

5. Gives me what he calls “Grace Gifts” often. A “Grace Gift” is a gift of something that is precious to you that holds more than monetary value and is from your heart with nothing expected in return. The paintings he does for Christmas gifts, the sharing of his time playing cards together, a book he just knew I would love, doing the dishes after I cooked dinner, letting me sleep in while he walks the dogs, getting me a glass of wine while I relax in a bath. These are all the perfect gift of his time, his heart and his love.

4. Has great timing. Paul entered my life at the perfect time. I was over dating and wanted someone that was a hundred times better than anyone I dated before. If I couldn’t have that I had resigned myself to living a long life with my gay best friend. Two days before Paul and I had our first date, my gay best friend found his soul mate (though we didn’t know it at the time). It all seemed to work out. I was a different woman than before and this new lady needed a new and sparkling man – enter Paul, my one-day husband.

3. Can be ourselves even as a couple. Individuality is important to me, and with Paul I can be who I am and who I want to be. I have been a golf widow on more than one occasion leaving no guilt trip when he wants to spend a weekend on the course or watching a big tournament. He understands when I want a day to stay in my meditation room just reading or going out exploring by myself. I have my likes and dislikes, as does he, but we go on being ourselves and in love with one another.

2. Makes me a better person with more love, kindness, heart and hope to give. I don’t think about me so much anymore. People say that when you have kids you realize life isn’t about you anymore. I believe you don’t have to have offspring to open yourself up and give yourself away. Paul and I aren’t on the kid path, but I have learned to be so much less selfish and so much more giving being with him. It’s not about giving my life for a little baby, it’s about giving my life away for everyone!

1. Loves me with all his heart. That says it all. And I love him with all of mine. 

Polly Really Does Waddle (a little for now)

I was just saying to someone last week---after Finn’s seizure---that at least his illness was under control with the new medicine and that the days of stress and worry about my kids was over. I should have knocked on wood.

Saturday morning started out wonderfully with me getting to sleep in an hour. Paul got up with the pups and took care of them so I could get some much needed rest. Refreshed, I said good morning to all the kids and gave Finn his morning meds. But something wasn’t quite right. Polly wasn’t trying to push Finn away from the dropper and grab the yummy liquid for herself. She’s a bully and that was odd. Instead she sat a foot away and just looked at me with hurtful eyes. Something was very wrong.

We already had an appointment for Finn at the vet so we took Polly along. I thought it was something easily treatable like a UTI or bladder infection. She was having trouble peeing and since she was the “healthy one” I never suspected anything worse. On the way to the vet, we even spoke about what else we were going to do that day.

After an ultrasound and X-Ray, Dr. Aimee told us that Polly needed surgery right away since she had stones in her bladder and was obstructed. She made the arrangements at the surgery center we would transfer her to (Tampa Bay Veterinary Specialists – not Noah’s). I lost it. Thankfully Paul was there to hold me and comfort both Finn and I as I went into blaming-God mode.

He took Finn home, why stress the little boy out even more, while I waited for all the preliminary tests to be done and we skirted my little girl (who was visibly getting worse) to the surgeon. The surgery went great and they even did a biopsy of the liver since they were in there (since Finn has a hereditary disorder with his liver, the surgeon wanted to check Polly).

The other good news is that Finn is fine. He is on his meds, but no stones or crystals and a very healthy bladder. Polly gets to come home on Monday and she needs to rest, which will be a task with her pesky brother around.

Finn has handled sleeping by himself well and seems to be a bit more playful without the bull around. But he misses her too. Paul and Millie were there for us and in the stressful time of waiting to get the surgery outcome news, Paul and I did some deep-down housekeeping. He even fixed an electrical plug that was left ungrounded in my garage when the shelves were torn out replaced by a half-ass desk (but that fiasco is another story).

We’re all doing well, and the vet gave us a go for vacation with records in tow. I thank God that I have Polly and have always known that I needed her as much as she needed me. Patty and Guy put our bond into words, “If she had stayed with [her previous owner] she would have died since he would never have noticed the subtle signs of her distress. She is lucky to have you.”

I still feel like I am the luckiest one – to have them both!

What I Did On My Summer Vacation

Whenever my friend Patty is met with news she doesn't want to hear about something gross, a secret she should avoid or the spoiler for a movie, she puts her fingers in her ears and repeats, "Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet." That sort of sums up my summer with a few exceptions.

Being blessed to be a writer by trade, sometimes when I get home from work the last thing I want to do is put pen to paper or turn on the computer. So I took a break from the blog, but was asked a few times - Where are you? So my vacation is over. Getting back to the chant ...

There has been a lot of baseball this summer. Paul is a big fan of the Rays so we have been to a few games and most nights involve at least a little bit of televised baseball. (See Michelle, I am checking out your work!)I was never a baseball type, but it makes him happy to share and I have my limits of giving in "No I will not go with you to The Expendables - I don't care how cool it looks." The things we do for love. I have been reading a lot - Simon Greene, H.P. Lovecraft and other bits of light reading. We have shared some movie experiences like Kick Ass - loved it; Karate Kid - not bad; Little Big Man - can't go wrong with a classic and lots of other DVD pieces. NO Twilight! I want to make that clear. I am a NO Twilight person - real vampires would wipe those sissies out! I have a whole theory about their popularity, but I will save that for another post, off my soap box for now.

I also did a lot of knitting this summer, mostly headbands and flowers. I love trying new patterns and stitches and flowers are great because they only take a few hours. I am accumulating bouquets of multicolor pansies to use as hair clips, lapel pins, T-shirt embellishments and headband accoutrements and plan on donating them to All Children's Hospital for the little girls who are turning their illnesses around. Everyone wants to feel pretty. I have also started knitting caps for the cooler months to keep them stylish and their heads warm.


With this summer's heat I do have some pretty hot dogs. Finn, Polly and Millie have been keeping cool by being indoors and destroying what they can in the air conditioned home. I admit I am a freaky dog person, but I just love spending time with them more than going out. We are even planning our real vacation with the pups included.

I am probably nuts because Finn was so sick and I don't know how long we have together and because Polly was sort of thrown away when she was young and I want her to know with me she will always be loved. There is so much to decipher here about my personality, but that also is for another entry. For now all is well and we couldn't be a happier family.

No apple pies so far, that may change with the Fall, but I did make my first pie in May with the blueberries we picked at the Blueberry Festival at the Keel and Curly Winery.


Unlike last year, this year I beat the heat by getting there at 8 a.m. Paul and I picked for about 90 minutes and ended up with almost 15 pounds of those delicious purple orbs. We made a deal that if he cleaned them all I would bake him a pie and I did. We froze a bunch and I haven't yet found a way to make a good pie out of frozen berries, but I will keep trying (I'm only sort of trying since I have been pretty good this summer getting healthier so a piece of pie from time to time is food for the soul.)


Lastly, I don't own a Chevy, but my poor Saturn had some health issues in July. Repeated visits to the shop hopefully solved everything. I want to keep this baby for a couple more years, since it's paid off and when we decide where we're moving to then I may get another, newer vehicle. We'll see.

So what did you do on your summer vacation?

Catching up and moving on

This weekend was a whirlwind of fun and frivolity so the blog was left to wander on its own. Short updates:

Thursday was the local Addy Awards and my team scored a few wins, with Ren taking home the Best of The Bay Award for Sales Collateral!!! Now we move on up to districts.

Friday was the beginning of a wonderful Valentine’s. Really it was the best Valentine’s ever! Paul is an incredible romantic and I just fell into it all – and it was fun! It was also the start of the cutest canine contest with Finn vying for a shot at the cover of TBT. Care to vote for my little boy? Here’s your chance --- http://tampabay.upickem.net/engine/Welcome.aspx?contestid=13224

 

Saturday, Paul and I went to see a matinee of Wicked, a first for me and his second time. I loved it. The music was fantastic and going to the theatre is such a pleasure with dressing up and all. Afterward we went out for a romantic steak dinner complete with chocolate dipped strawberries and champagne.

Sunday Feb 14 was present day and I gave Paul the afghan I have been working on for months. He appreciated my efforts and artistry saying it was the nicest Valentine’s gift he ever received. I liked that. Millie has taken to the afghan as well so everyone is getting a chance to enjoy it.

The past few days have just been getting things taken care of and preparing for Lent. Though I am not affiliated with any particular religion, it is something I grew up with and appreciate the opportunity to look deeper into myself and into my beliefs honoring the next 40 days and the gratitude I have for all my blessings.

Feelin’ A Little Hopey Changey

I have yet to find a picture for the bathroom. Rephrased, finding a picture that is in a store for the bathroom. Being as my budget is pretty tight (rephrased as, I need to have a garage sale to pay for anything new I want in the house), this is still in a holding pattern. I have thought about using one of my photos blown up and framed, but there is some spend with the enlarging and the framing. Then I thought I would take some of the photos and postcards I already have and which are already framed, but I am unsure about the multiple pictures.

Like many folks, I need to change things up a bit from time to time and it always seems that this need is when I have the least amount of money. Since Finn had his last operation, it has been a struggle making ends meet, but every time I look in his cute little eyes, I fall in love all over again and don’t care about the money. Being broke actually seems to have made me more creative.

How? Starving artists for centuries have made great works of art from nothing. Yes, many had benefactors who paid for their marble, absinthe and ink. What I have is inspiring Web sites, a garage full of crap, baskets of yarn and hope.

See no matter how bad it seems to be, I still have hope. Hope I will have food on the table, that Finn will get better and not be in danger nor need to go to the vet so often and that one day I won’t have to worry so much about those mighty dollars. Until then, I get creative and start having a lot of gratitude for what I do have. All those crazy material things that make the house look like a home are nice, but it’s the look in my little boy’s eyes when I come home. (Polly too). In fact, I was looking so deeply into his eyes and feeling that love that you only feel when you know that you really love the person (or dog). You know that melting feeling like you just want to hold them forever, and even the tiniest notion that you won’t have them forever makes you appreciate them that much more. That’s what I feel for all my kids. That unconditional love.

And that made me realize that the power Finn has in his eyes could help us out. So I am entering my cutest canine into the TBT Cutest Canine Contest. I will send a notice to my blog and Facebook friends to vote for my little guy, but I’m sure once you lay eyes on him you won’t need any persuading. The grand prize is $500, a well-needed treat for mommy, which will go directly to paying his medical bills.

See there is always hope, even when it is hiding, you just have to open your eyes.

BTW, I went with the scattering of small pictures for now.

Drool Alert!

Every Monday I get a little notice in my e-mail box that I have something waiting for me from Food and Wine. This little morsel of information is jam packed with dish recipes that cause me to drool and dream. This is truly food porn and it is delivered to me personally. I want to make everything it leads me to and yet I must hold back since there is a budget involved and a lack of time as well as the hungry mouths to feed.

Still, I keep collecting the recipes and try to plan for a time to use them. Today, they hooked me with chocolate and all its glorious manifestations for the loveliest of days (or Hallmark will have you think so) Valentine’s. Unlike many of the rail-thin mind mummies out there, I don’t subscribe to the religious doctrine that chocolate is sin. Puking your guts out, rallying against anything non-organic and smoking until your bones show is sick, but chocolate is the new manna from heaven and I am all about it.

Today’s installment also shares tips for dinners for two and romantic dishes so lovely couples can share in the pleasure of not only eating together, but cooking together and making a special dessert that much more fulfilling. And I get to brag that when I cook dinner for two, he always does the dishes, makes you jealous doesn’t it ladies?

I will stockpile these ideas for another time making Valentine’s something that lasts all year long, but this year we have other plans that involve no cooking (in the kitchen that is) and buying in to the whole Hallmark Holiday (It’s a first for me).

So whether it is a special occasion, or just something you like to indulge in to suit your mood, this is an awesome source for culinary explorations and a place to find your zen.

There are a few recipes I will have to indulge in singularly since Paul would never go for Oysters or Salmon Trout or Smoked Pork, but that’s OK, I happen to love my own company over dinner. He may join me for a dessert of chocolate and raspberry though.

What is your favorite romantic meal?

21 Days of Christmas

Oh the weather outside is frightful, with a 100% chance for rain and the temperature dropping steadily with each passing hour. And this does not make me want to stay sequestered in my bathroom inhaling primer and paint fumes.

Nothing much has happened in the past 36 hours as it comes to home improvement, but my mood has improved as the weather has gotten worse. I think it’s also that I get to see Paul tonight and that always makes me feel a bit livelier.

We don’t get to spend too much time together since he lives across the bay and is not only working like crazy (he’s a college professor), but also going to school getting his doctorate. It makes me feel a bit lazy really. We find time in between his elaborate papers and my social calendar to get together and spend some quality time.

Tomorrow afternoon I plan on venturing into the world of priming the walls and ceiling, and when that becomes dull and boring, I will continue scraping the paint off the door. This has proven to be a pretty easy task since the blue latex paint comes off pretty easy in plasticy ribbons like peeling a painted nude dancer at Fantasy Fest. The intricate jam and edges are a bit more tiresome, but it all balances out.

I figure if I can get the ceiling and walls painted this weekend, I can focus on the door and cabinet next week and be somewhat ready for the puppies’ birthday. Accessorizing, removing the glass shower doors and frame, as well as painting the fixtures will be completed by Christmas Eve and I will then have the party in my bathroom.

For tonight I will dine with my sweetie, cuddle up on the couch and keep warm in his arms.

I will post pictures soon, but I want to at least have the primer up since it makes the transformation that much more dramatic.

From The Abyss

Ten years ago, I had no idea where I would be in ten years. Would I be married? Would I have my own business? Would I be happy with my house? Would I, Could I, Should I encompassed only a few moments of my thinking. Now I am planning for the next ten years and wondering where it will take me.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Where have I been for the past 5 weeks? It’s hard to say it all in one piece, but I lack the patience to spread it out into several posts and being as I am sans home computer, I have to make due with what I have.

Yes, no computer. My laptop took a dive into my glass of water and subsequently passed out when I tried to perform mouth to mouth. Fortunately, a skilled computer geek has taken his light saber of computer savvy to fix it, but I must be a bit more Amish for the next couple weeks. No biggie, I need time away from my laptop since our relationship had become unhealthy and I was only using him to catch up on missed episodes of Gossip Girl. (Also during the same week I killed my phone and my cable remote – it’s like I have a Heroes’ ability, but haven’t figured out how to use it for good yet.)

Plus, I have a few other plans for the coming weeks without being plugged in. I am spending my time with Finn and Polly keeping up the good feelings since it is the cheapest form of entertainment right now. Money is very tight, like college tight, and since I already deposited all my funds into my puppy’s health, I figure I can make a few withdrawals of fun love. My boy’s prognosis is still in the gray range, but we will be doing monthly tests just to make sure that no more stones form and that he can still be a puppy for a while. To help me through is my BFF Polly and she is my world, I am so glad she was given up and I took her. She and I couldn’t have been such a great pair with anyone else. I am still very anti-Noah’s but the conundrum is whether to file a complaint against them for their inept medical care or just slam them in every other medium. Just don’t go there, trust me!

Today is significant since it is a middle day of sorts. In one month, on Dec. 10 we will be celebrating the 1st b-day of my kids along with Angus, Maggie, Daisy and the other one (we called her Diva). It also was one month ago that I met my new boyfriend, Paul. We are in that great romantic phase right now, but with a twist of maturity that I have never experienced before. I don’t want to go into detail since that wouldn’t be fair to him, but I will say to the heavens, “It’s about time you sent me a prince.”

And there was Halloween which revolved around the All Hallow’s Ball, a private event at the Tampa Convention Center. I would show you the pics, but since they are on my gasping computer I can’t. The theme was the Candy Shop and let me tell you, there was some pretty eye candy there. Generally considered a gay event, this annual ball brings out all the crazies and those men with the crazy, perfect muscles, as well as beautiful coifs and visages. It was a Pride parade indoors. It was a night of Gay Care as my mantourage of Chris, Guy and Patrick accompanied me as Licorice Whips decked out all in black perfectly accessorized with whips. We had a blast!

That pretty much sums up the past month and a half. It has been a lot to handle and the holiday season is only gearing up. But all is well, my Finn is healthy, my computer will soon return to me from across the watery divide, Paul is happily a part of my life and I am ready to celebrate. Plus, I have a plethora of recipes to try and knitting items to design so all is well.

Thanks for being patient and soon, very soon I will return with my witty charms.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Well it’s Tuesday so this is another two-fer prompt; either write a love poem or an anti-love poem. This is going to be hard. I have to be in the mood to write about love. I am not in the mood. Love is something that escapes me. Let me put it this way, romantic love doesn’t escape me, only the men who profess it escape me (or I escape them.) But I am not bitter. I still believe in love and that it is out there for me. I guess my anti-love thoughts would be about patience and waiting. I really don’t love either one of them.

So here goes:
In Love With Love

No man has suited me as my imagination does,
Human fault and whims blemish the common joe,
Where romantic and esteemed imagery smiles on.

To dream with book and poem in hand,
He can not give me what I need in real time,
A spirit too frail and selfish, he resides below.

So my quest continues in mucky marsh,
A knight to reign above all others,
Found only in my wistful erotic dreams.

Do you even exist in flesh and blood,
Breathing promises you will keep into my ear,
And begging for my heart in return.

Go on in the dark and shadowed world,
Ethereal, yet natural to my needs,
I am in love with love and that is all.



I am really the last person to talk about love, except of course a serial killer. I have been in love twice and have loved many times. I loved my first boyfriend, Mark who was a blond, Arian, republican (how did that happen??) He was my first boyfriend when I was 17. We broke up since I had to stay home for two weeks thanks to mono (which he probably gave to me) and he just couldn’t handle it. Then there were guys in college, but they didn’t count.

Sean was the next and the worst. An abuser and all-around idiot, this skinny pussy had anger issues since he hadn’t come out of the closet yet. Then came Lee. He was the rock-n-roller who was a fabulous lover and an even more fabulous sociopath. These were all men I loved, but was never in love with. That was left to understand in my 30s.

In love to me is that cohesion, that desire to give of ones self and find even great fulfillment as two more than one. I guess I am still looking, but like that lady on “Britain’s Got Talent” I may still have the chance to find my dream, even now. Love you all.

Dr. Zhivago in My Eyes

A happy memory to balance-out the poem. I once worked at one of those shopping channels Americans are drawn to. I was a floor director and had the task of putting microphones on the guests, giving camera cues and getting water for those not so shining bright starts who didn’t have personal assistants.

On one such occasion, I was putting a mic on Omar Sharif. He had to have been about 60 years old to my 20 and yet his charm had the strength of a Russian weightlifter. As I stood in front of him, asking the control room if they could test his mic, he spoke in his luxurious tongue saying “You have the most beautiful eyes” instead of the standard “1,2,3,4.” I was taken aback and smiled a shy grin. He then took my hand and kissed the top. Whatever happened to charm and class like that??

My Imaginary Ex-Boyfriend - Day 9

My Imaginary Ex-Boyfriend

Silence
For more than a week
Silence.

Pink Martini playing on
While I wondered where he’d gone
And all I heard was silence.

One week to go
Fear sets in
He gives me silence.

Years spent knowing him
A stranger in one week
Crying in silence.

Let’s never stop falling in love
Going insane and back
Silently loving him.

Where did he go
My imaginary boyfriend
Never saying “I love you” again.

Mend Again

Yes, I know yesterday’s poem was sappy, but the wound was still very fresh. Each day helps a bit as I work in my yard and play with the puppies and realize that one day I will be truly happy again.

My routine has a hole. I picked up working out again, writing everything down, playing with puppies and making my house a home, but there is still something missing. So I wrap my arms around the poetry project and force my words to come out. I also have this book that shares 366 prompts for other writing projects inspiring at least 30 minutes of pen to paper a day. So now I will not only write a poem (hopefully not too sappy) each day, but I will journal other notes to dust of the cobwebs of my creativity.

It’s interesting how a bit of heart break can create something so dynamically new and different. A few years back (the last time my heart was broken) I continued on my journey for something new and found it in Portland, OR. I love that town. I explored for five days all by myself, meeting new people, enjoying great food and letting my heart fill with joy as it mended. There were the most dramatic waterfalls, afternoons at the Chinese Gardens, strolls through the Rose Gardens, wanderings along the Columbia River, hours awakened in Powell’s Bookstore and the constant companionship of my friends Chris and Guy over the phone line. I ate the best tomato bisque, drank only the Pinots of the region and ate artisan cheese with seasonal apples. Only once did I fall apart, and it was in my hotel room 3 days into the trip when I felt both lost and alone. But even then, 4,000 miles away from anyone who loved me, I let it out and had another day of adventures. This time I lack funds for a big trip and have too much responsibility to leave, but I know that I can mend again. But I always need a plan.

It’s all about staying busy. That was my intention in the first place when I was curbed. Thankfully work is plentiful and tasks at home, with two puppies, are always busy. But those moments when there is a drop of quiet or a lonely Beatles song playing in my head (For No One) I get all teary-eyed and feel that familiar pain in my chest. It is like having an illness. You know you will get better, you just have to go through all the painful treatment to get there, like cancer. You may want to give up from time-to-time when your head pounds and all your mind’s eye can see is loneliness, but you have to trust the love docs when they say that this too shall pass.
It is funny though how certain songs are the soundtrack to my heartache. With Brian it was “The First Cut Is The Deepest” and this reiterated for years afterward. Even now, when I hear it on the radio or in a movie, I am dramatically regressed to a bawling mess. This time it is “For No One” since that was playing in his truck for weeks and each time it bounces around my brain I just want to curl up in a ball and let the world pass me by. Yet that album also has “Here There And Everywhere” a love song like no other, and “Good Day Sunshine” to balance out the pain of the first. Even now I wish it would stop.

Ladybugs DO Bite

Renee told me today that she once was bitten by a ladybug. I scoffed thinking and feeling that these peaceful creatures would never bite. Yes, they do gobble up aphids like tourists at a Las Vegas buffet, but not a person, especially not a kind person. She must have done something to provoke the spotted beetle to sinking its teeth into her. But even then, I was not a believer that they even had teeth to sink into flesh with.

So she looked it up. And she was right. The Asian ladybug is known for small bites that feel like cat’s claws. Scientists believe that the bugs do this to extract salt from the skin. Since they don’t have tongues they need to do it some other way and therefore the nibble. This made me think of the salt sucking people on the old Star Trek series. Not sure why, but that episode always sticks out. Probably because we only had 3 channels of TV when I was young and Star Trek reruns were a staple on the local independent station.

What brought us to ladybugs were my reflections of the weekend. Saturday night I had single girl night. So I made some heavy choices. I said no to self pity, no to drowning my sorrows and no to treating myself badly. Instead I made a nice dinner of something he wouldn’t have liked anyway – bar-b-que chicken and “fried” green tomatoes. Recently he hasn’t liked much that I made so I knew he was moving away from me. I got a great bad book to read – Sidney Sheldon’s Bloodline and spent the evening getting lost in that powerful world while cozying up to the kitties.

At about 150 pages I drew the line and switched to TV for entertainment. This is where we get back on track with ladybugs. I watched one of my favorite girlie films, Under the Tuscan Sun. For those of you not aware, there is a woman in the film who is the eccentric and loves wearing hats and being passionately in love with the boy of the hour. She tells the whining Diane Lane that she needs to stop being so sad about being dumped and alone. She shares her story of being a little girl who wanted to catch ladybugs, but the more she looked she couldn’t find them. She became so tired that she took a nap in a field and woke up covered in these little specks of joy (not the biting ones I presume.) The metaphor of the ladybugs and love didn’t go wasted on Lane or me. When Diane meets a dashing Italian gent who sweeps her off her feet she joyfully tells her romantic mentor that she has found, “Lots and lots of ladybugs” the feeling grew in me too, as hope. Of course he says it is too difficult for their relationship and finds another chickie to charm leaving Lane hurt once again. At the end of the movie (spoiler alert) she is resting in her garden during a wedding and a handsome American writer picks a ladybug off her dress and they live happily ever after.

So the tale of ladybugs. Of course it seems, I always seem to get the biting kind, especially right in the ass.

The Night Before The Day - Number 26

Some say that you must experience the darkness before you see the good. I am grateful for this time of hardship and pain since usually in my life it leads to something better. Not that it is a good thing in itself, but as yin and yang go I can understand it and find it a bit comforting. Sort of like “This too shall pass.”

I have experienced my own share of difficult times in this life, but I tend to not harbor them or dwell on them - only on their outcomes. I lost my mom at an early age and that catapulted me into being a self-sufficient and strong adult. I endured a lot of ridicule growing up and it gave me a tough skin. I have never been the favorite among the men I give my heart to and yet I have escaped relatively unscathed from their disdain and torment.

And now I fluctuate from the eye wall (the most strenuous and hurtful time) to the eye (a calm in the center of the storm) waiting for the latest hours of pain to pass. Instead of breaking down as I have done in the past, I am a bit elated with hope for what I will find after this too passes.

I have decided, as I have done in the recent past when I was kicked to the curb, to take this time to make me better, not for him, but for me and the world. Yes I lost the person I hoped to count on when it came to all things home repair, but now I have the time to take those Home Depot classes. I may no longer have a person to cuddle with and care for, but now I have the opportunity to get back into Hospice volunteering. There is no one to cook for now, but I always have myself and I can try even more new recipes and eat healthier without having junk food around all the time. My future visions may have changed of living quietly in the mountains with my sweetie, but now I can knit and sew and take pictures more to create my own life. I may not be beautiful enough for him, but now I have the time to work out and to really put me first so that I will be more beautiful (on the inside and out) than ever before.

These are the dark days. But as you see there is still hope glowing in my eyes, so I am thankful for the pain I feel knowing that these open wounds will heal and not leave me too scarred. So today I will go to the gym after work, eat very healthy, visit Hospice at lunch time and knit my little fingers off. Not to hide from the pain, but to let it flow through and cause as little damage as possible. And when the day breaks again, maybe I will find the man that really loves me. And if I don’t, then I will still be pretty well off on my own.

Smoke Anyone - Day 18

I actually started working on my new freelance job today. I am writing Web copy for a cigar company. Sort of fitting for my location and all, and it pays well. I used to smoke, but I quite about 10 years ago and can’t stand it. But I must confess these descriptions with their smoky notes and ripe fruit essences makes me want a cigar. This hopefully will go on for a couple months – the job, not the temptation.
It’s all for a good cause, a new kitchen and bathroom. I am not a big credit person, so I want to have the cash handy when I am ready, therefore weekends and evenings devoted to working. Sometimes I wish I would have married well – and divorced better - so I wouldn’t have to do this. But then again, I have always been an independent soul and like the pride I get from knowing, “I did it”.
So I tapped away on the computer and tried to get used to my new laptop. Yes, I am getting a wireless mouse for it since I hate the thumb thing. Too slow for me.
But all work and no play makes Patrica a dull girl and I would never allow that. Boring equals death to me, so I had to have some fun. Inspired by the film last night, I got all gussied up in Ronn’s favorite dress, gave him a nice shower, fed him homemade pizza (leftovers from the one he made a couple nights ago) and then an afternoon to make Samantha proud.
Now it’s back to work as he naps while “watching” golf and I mindlessly type away.

A Private Tour of My Sex and The City – Day 17

No this is not a guided tour of all the places I have had sex in this town. Though that would be fun, but I have friends who have even more exciting tours to tell about. No, this is about my night out with Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha.

Last night was the opening of Sex and the City movie. Since this was, and is, one of my favorite TV shows I just had to be there first night. I went with Renee and some of her friends, all fans. No spoilers here, but I loved it. I feel like I can identify with each woman on screen. Carrie, the writer and a contemporary woman who falls madly in love and learns a bit from it each time; Charlotte with her pristine sensibilities and craving for nice things; Miranda, workaholic, yet woman who appreciates a night just watching TV, though feels most comfortable doing it all; and Samantha, well I remember the slut days of years ago.

One of the main reasons I am so drawn to this show is the friendship factor more than the fashion. To have close friends that would do anything for you at a drop of a hat. Of course, like Movie Romance, their friendship has never fully played out in my life, but I have been blessed with great comradeship. I only speak of sad feelings to a couple friends, either not wanting to burden others or not wanting to leave an open for them to take hold and redirect the misery towards their own lives. Real mothers don’t have time to make a brunch date or want to go out partying anymore. Dressing up is for first dates, which has long passed for some. And to be promiscuous only draws a downward glance from the married folks.

Yet there is a nice feeling of hominess when it is just a couple girls hanging out at home watching TV or out for a simple dinner. I do get some fill with nights out with Guy, but we usually just sip martinis and enjoy people watching instead of making ourselves the center of attention. My clothes are from Target and Dots, with a faux Prada bag to set everything off, yet Payless Shoes never seem to match it.

Watching this film only brought me closer to buying the box set so I can waste away hours watching these women over and over again. I have cried with them, laughed with them, and enjoyed listening in on their girl talk. They are like friends that I only see rarely, but I get their private jokes and appreciate their mistakes.

And then there are the men. Mr. Big. I am not much into Chris Noth (Law and Order), but as Big he is my knight. Her complete love for him and his unacknowledgment. When he realized at the end of the show that he loved her and went to Paris to bring her back, I felt a hope.


So though I may not have the shoes, the wardrobe, the realistic NY apartment, the corral of fabulous and always available friends or the financier lover, what I do have is priceless. I am grateful every day for the gift of friends who are real, a man who I love dearly, clothes that not only keep me from being naked, but fashionable in my own mind, a home that is entirely my own, and a DVD player to keep up with my city girls.
I am so lucky. Absofuckinlutely!!!!