From The Abyss

Ten years ago, I had no idea where I would be in ten years. Would I be married? Would I have my own business? Would I be happy with my house? Would I, Could I, Should I encompassed only a few moments of my thinking. Now I am planning for the next ten years and wondering where it will take me.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Where have I been for the past 5 weeks? It’s hard to say it all in one piece, but I lack the patience to spread it out into several posts and being as I am sans home computer, I have to make due with what I have.

Yes, no computer. My laptop took a dive into my glass of water and subsequently passed out when I tried to perform mouth to mouth. Fortunately, a skilled computer geek has taken his light saber of computer savvy to fix it, but I must be a bit more Amish for the next couple weeks. No biggie, I need time away from my laptop since our relationship had become unhealthy and I was only using him to catch up on missed episodes of Gossip Girl. (Also during the same week I killed my phone and my cable remote – it’s like I have a Heroes’ ability, but haven’t figured out how to use it for good yet.)

Plus, I have a few other plans for the coming weeks without being plugged in. I am spending my time with Finn and Polly keeping up the good feelings since it is the cheapest form of entertainment right now. Money is very tight, like college tight, and since I already deposited all my funds into my puppy’s health, I figure I can make a few withdrawals of fun love. My boy’s prognosis is still in the gray range, but we will be doing monthly tests just to make sure that no more stones form and that he can still be a puppy for a while. To help me through is my BFF Polly and she is my world, I am so glad she was given up and I took her. She and I couldn’t have been such a great pair with anyone else. I am still very anti-Noah’s but the conundrum is whether to file a complaint against them for their inept medical care or just slam them in every other medium. Just don’t go there, trust me!

Today is significant since it is a middle day of sorts. In one month, on Dec. 10 we will be celebrating the 1st b-day of my kids along with Angus, Maggie, Daisy and the other one (we called her Diva). It also was one month ago that I met my new boyfriend, Paul. We are in that great romantic phase right now, but with a twist of maturity that I have never experienced before. I don’t want to go into detail since that wouldn’t be fair to him, but I will say to the heavens, “It’s about time you sent me a prince.”

And there was Halloween which revolved around the All Hallow’s Ball, a private event at the Tampa Convention Center. I would show you the pics, but since they are on my gasping computer I can’t. The theme was the Candy Shop and let me tell you, there was some pretty eye candy there. Generally considered a gay event, this annual ball brings out all the crazies and those men with the crazy, perfect muscles, as well as beautiful coifs and visages. It was a Pride parade indoors. It was a night of Gay Care as my mantourage of Chris, Guy and Patrick accompanied me as Licorice Whips decked out all in black perfectly accessorized with whips. We had a blast!

That pretty much sums up the past month and a half. It has been a lot to handle and the holiday season is only gearing up. But all is well, my Finn is healthy, my computer will soon return to me from across the watery divide, Paul is happily a part of my life and I am ready to celebrate. Plus, I have a plethora of recipes to try and knitting items to design so all is well.

Thanks for being patient and soon, very soon I will return with my witty charms.

Some of the best things come in small packages

I spent the weekend mostly at home with the sick boy and was getting ready to go stir crazy after watching too much biography TV. Chris, being the savior that is always is, came to my rescue as company on Sunday. This gave me the opportunity to not only spend time 2-days-in-a-row with one of my best friends, but also gave me someone to cook for.

I treated him to an impressive nosh that was neither time consuming or pricey, thanks to Swanson’s and some smart buying.

Polenta rounds with beef tenderloin

This stackable treat is a 4 stepper with each one cooked or prepared individually and then assembled. I think this would be a great treat for a party giving a sense of gourmet taste with a simple sense that you have satisfied yourself. I made a plate of these and they could have been a meal, in fact 4 stackers were my lunch the next day.

Polenta – very exotic and yet so easy and versatile. I used a cornmeal that I bought at the South American market for making arepas. I think they are pretty much all the same thing in a way, but for those purists let’s just go with my polenta title.

I used the directions on the bag and mixed a cup of cornmeal with 1-1/2 cups of boiling water and salt. I mixed it all up and as it formed a dough I added pepper and parmesan cheese.

When it cooled a bit, I rolled out little 2” patties of corn and pan fried them in canola oil until both sides were golden brown and the insides were still soft.

While I cooked these batches of goodness, I chopped up the salad to sandwich between the polenta and beef. Using what I had on hand and a little spark of creativity, I made an artichoke and sundried tomato salad.

 

Artichoke and sundried tomato salad
Half a can of quartered artichoke hearts
About 8 halves of sundried tomatoes packed in oil
4 queen size Spanish olives
2 thin scallions
Lemon zest from half a lemon
Juice from half a lemon
Drizzle of olive oil
Pepper

Chop everything up and mix in a bowl. Easy. Set aside as you prep the beef.

I already had a small tenderloin cooked to medium rare from a few nights before. I sliced it into thin slices (against the grain) and quickly heated them through in the hot pan I cooked the polenta rounds in. Just quickly in the pan, flip and out.

Time to assemble and only one ingredient left – horseradish mustard. This should be a staple in everyone’s pantry. In fact, my mustard collection is becoming quite substantial as I cook more since it is such a versatile ingredient. In this case, there was no need to doctor it up, I let it be as it was. However, if you want to add a bit more radishy feel, I suggest adding some regular horseradish to the mustard and get a bigger bite of sinus clearing wonder.

Polenta round
A teaspoon of artichoke salad
The beef slice
A drizzle of horseradish mustard

That’s it. They look elegant and usually seemed to be about 2 to 3 bites. Best eaten with a knife and fork on a mini plate, so you don’t lose any salad, these appetizers will always get noticed and are definitely worth your while to serve.

Plus, I got all the ingredients on the cheap, so it wasn’t bad on my thin pocketbook.

Give It AWAY!

I had a great time at the Crescent Lake yard sale. Though I have a bunch more to sell, I did pretty well with 3 empty boxes at the end of the day. Marit had reserved 6 spots for her, her cousin, a few friends, Ren and I. Ren concentrated on selling her artwork and did pretty well. She even got me to buy something (though it is for a gift.) I exchanged money for my memories and parted with concert T-shirts, posters, books, DVDs, VHS tapes (really) and other trinkets like glassware, toys and clothes.

The biggest deal was selling Guy’s Digits poster that he donated to the cause. It actually got the asking price. He also donated shakers, bowling toys – which went like hotcakes, and clothes which were grabbed up by the hunky guys strolling the park. Chris also helped out donating books that were immediately grabbed up and padded my pocket with a few bucks. The reason these guys were helping with cleaning out their own closets was because I have become a little strapped for cash with Finn’s medical bills.

So the season has begun and I will be having sales once a month to relinquish my dusty old ways and make room for new funds and Finn’s health. It feels very liberating to get rid of all this. Plus, I like chatting with people and making them happy with my old treasures.

Creature Comforts

Everyone has their favorite comfort foods and reasons why they seek comfort in these foods. For me it is a bit different since when I truly need to be comforted because of something like a sick puppy, I find my solace in not only the food, but cooking it, savoring it and delighting in treating myself well. Comfort foods are not those things eaten mindlessly and never truly tasted, these are about filling your belly as much as giving you that warm feeling all over.

Sure, like many, I have those minor emotional breaks where a hamburger (El Cap’s) or something sugary sweet (Cupcake Spot or other gourmet cake store) will fit the bill. But when life has dragged me from one goal post to another, I need something that will feed not only my stomach, but my soul.

And this usually means going for meat. I don’t know why in my darkest hours, I crave the flesh of another animal, but I do and it is usually beef. Slow braised, grilled, roasted or just about any cooking method will suffice to put a few bits of rare cow on my plate. I am thankful this beast sacrificed him/herself for me (unintentionally of course.) Getting to my plate and to my mouth is as much a relaxing joy as the actual eating.

Tonight I made something pretty easy and yet so tasty: Beef Loin with broccoli slaw. See I told you it was simple. Confession: I had originally planned on making this into a pizza with the dough I just made, but the dough didn’t turn out right for some reason, so I just kept it sans the simple starches and salvaged the dough for a quick dessert.

Beef Tenderloin (they usually come 2 to a pack, so I roast both and that way I have a head start on a meal for later.) Follow the directions which pretty much says to cook each pound for 28 minutes. This gives a nice medium cook. I cut it back a tiny bit for a more rare texture.

The slaw started out as carmelized red onion and yellow pepper for the pizza, but to stretch it out (and because I was having one of my broccoli cravings, I added the bag of slaw, some chopped up sundried tomatoes and the oil from the tomatoes to quickly sauté the slaw. It’s a colorful and healthful treat that also is filling and feels a bit decadent with the carmelized onions and rich sundried tomatoes.

A mound of veggies, thinly sliced loin (about 1/3 of a loin) and a drizzled of prepared horseradish sauce and I was feeling better already.

I am keeping my portions to smaller limits and eating a bit more often. This is a perfect dish for something like that. Then instead of watching TV and concentrating more on the show than on the meal, I sat in candlelight by the window and slowly devoured my comfort food. It’s nice to treat yourself well and to reflect on what you have to be thankful for. I was thankful that Finn was better, that I had coworkers who helped me not lose time in my work tasks, for friends who were there with a shoulder to cry on and a spark of humor to make me laugh, for the talent to make such a lovely dish, and for the self worth that let me treat myself well and be comforted doing it.

But there was dessert to eat as well. The pizza dough didn’t rise like it normally does so I was debating whether to toss it or get a bit creative. I can never pass up a creative project.

I rolled 2” balls in my palms and flattened them into about 3” rounds. A slather of lemon curd and raw sugar on top with granny smith apple slices and bake at 400 degrees for 25 minutes ( I rotated my pan ever 10 min.) Then mix sweetened, condensed milk (I always have some in the fridge and prefer the fat free variety here) with a tablespoon of curd, lemon juice and some zest. Whip it up and if needed thin with a dash of warm water (remember you can keep adding, but you can’t take away so just a few drops.) Drizzle while still warm and eat.

Juror decision: leave off the apple and load up on the lemon curd. That was delicious and a bit too satisfying. The dough has a thicker consistency and made this dessert a bit heavier than I had planned, but it was delicious.

Some other favorite comfort foods? Baked mac and cheese (individually done with a toasted breadcrumb coating), braised short ribs in wine, simple guacamole with Tostito lime chips, grilled gouda cheese sandwich with sliced green apple and tomato bisque, steamed shrimp with cocktail sauce (peeling them myself as I pop them in my mouth) and sushi (which I go out for.)

What are some of the foods that feed your soul and give you a real sense of warmth?

The Waiting Truly Is The Hardest Part

Finn is at his regular vet’s office and in the best hands. There’s hope now-something I haven’t felt in days. For 57 hours (about), I have been going through such a rollercoaster of emotions from feeling he will be OK, to praying he doesn’t die, to trying to keep it together and then falling apart. I have pushed away my friends hating to ask them for help when they have their own problems, and then running to them afraid that my world will change forever.

My feelings go from selfless and thinking only of Finn and the pain and fear he has felt over the past few days personifying this ordeal and my feelings for Polly who is missing her constant companion. Then it all switches and I get selfish hating that I have to deal with this with no partner by my side (even when I did have a partner I still dealt with things like this alone) and facing the facts that my financial future is at odds with making any kind of sense.

Through all this, I now sit feeling … ??? I ate for the first time in 48 hours and drank a bit of wine and though I am not buzzed, I am wowed that I am neither crying nor feeling giddy like I did when I knew Dr. Aimee was taking care of my little boy. It’s a deeper sense of something, but I don’t know what. I need to sleep, I need a hug, I need my baby boy back in my arms.

This not only changes my plans for the remainder of the year, it releases me from the need to control my life. I have no control. Finn’s illness proves that and since it could be an ongoing prognosis, I am left to try to just live in the moment. Good luck.

So instead of planning my trip to Spain, I learn Spanish recipes. Instead of working to open a gallery, I will hone my artistic skills and hopefully make a name and some money for myself (to pay of this brilliant bill the bad vet left me.) And instead of feeling fabulous about my new look and getting out there to find a date (which costs money), I will spend more time with my poor friends who seem to truly understand me. Wanna come?

How much can one little boy take

I never sleep in. I am very Ben Franklin that way with my early to bed and early to rise. Even when I go to bed late, I usually am still up by 8:30 at the latest. Sunday was different since I groggily rolled out of bed around 10:30. This meant that the dogs patiently waited for me to release them from their crate to go potty. So in the excruciating heat of the morning (even in September) I let them out and realized something was wrong. Finn was straining (no need for details) and he was in pain. At first I just thought he went in his bed and was trying to act like he didn’t, but something was seriously wrong, I just knew it.

After a couple phone calls to back up my suspicions, we rushed to the emergency animal hospital, though this mommy was so frazzled and not thinking she picked one that didn’t care at all about his well-being (Noah’s). I should have gone to one that was closer to Guy’s and where Finn had his first surgery, but I was so paranoid for my little boy that I just went with the first name that popped into my head.

Reasons I will never go to Noah’s again:

· Finn is in pain and they made me wait an hour to get help (I had to get mad to get help)

· They shared with me that he would possible die (not sugar coated or “there could be the possibility”, but instead cold and harsh “he’s got a 50/50 chance.”)

· Made me wait to see him before surgery (another hour of me waiting as they were prepping him, and I threw a fit in the lobby to get their attention.)

· Didn’t even do the surgery right the first time and wanted to cut him again to charge me more.

· The attendants are bimbettes who rarely, if ever, showed any sense of compassion for the animals there.

After I threw the fit, they were nice. I usually don’t throw fits, I like being nice, but they had me to the very end of my thread and they had to deal with it.

Elizabeth Kubler Ross says there are stages of grief. My love for Finn is terminal and when he is so sick like this I go through them.

Denial – it’s really nothing, he’ll be fine, and I’ll change his food and no worries

Anger – How much can one little boy take, he’s only 9 months and who in the hell do you think you are for keeping him from me?

Bargaining – Begging God to please let him be OK, he is such a good boy and brings so much joy to everyone.

Depression – I don’t recall ever crying so much and feeling so helpless.

Acceptance – No matter what, I will be the best mommy to my little love.

The prognosis was a ruptured bladder. He went into surgery an hour later and I went to Patty’s to self medicate. Polly was with me the whole time and was the best BFF ever. Now I turn my attentions to her and keeping her from feeling lonely. She also is the love of my life. My kitties too know something is up and we have all come together to pray for our little boy’s recovery.

The doctor’s don’t feel that he has very long, but we are going to do what we can. It is going to be expensive and on a tight budget, that will put a bit more strain on me, but I can do it. I always do.

I love you Finn.

The Last Supper

Tonight Guy and I had our last dinner together at the Swingin Beach Pad. I had a huge meal planned, but the appetizer was so good we just gnoshed on that. So if you want something simple and impressive to dine on try this.

Seared tuna and seaweed appetizer (this could feed 2 as a meal and then some or for a group of 8 as a starter)

1pound tuna steak
Teriyaki sauce
Sesame seeds
Seaweed salad (already made)
Wasabi mustard
Rice crackers (I used ones that had seaweed in them too)

Coat the tuna in teriyaki and then in sesame seeds. Heat oil in a skillet until smoking and cook the tuna on each side for about 3 minutes or until the level of doneness you like. We like it rare.

Slice thin in about 1-1/2 inch slabs. Stack the appetizers as such:
Rice cracker
A tablespoon of seaweed (not too big a heap since you still want to look a little elegant)
A dab of wasabi mustard
Tuna slice
A drizzle of the teriyaki that was left in the pan to warm

YUMMY! We also had Prosecco with it to celebrate.

Dessert anyone? To make room for more food, we went to the Honu Festival benefitting Hospice in honor of a friend of Guy’s. The kids got a lot of attention and it was nice to see some of the old crowd and meet new people. And work up an appetite.

Martinis went around as we shared “Remember when” moments and discussed his new decorating options. We spent plenty of time savoring Nutella on orange slices and strawberries and commenting on Valentino: The Last Emperor (not enough pug action.) I didn’t want the night to end, but we can’t hold on to everything, no matter how much we love it. When Guy moves there will be no more sleepovers or night of abandon, just back to being like everyone else.