The Problem with Cougars

I was recently came face to face with Cougar Barbie. In her tanned and bikini-clad glory she strutted her stuff around the clothed patrons grabbing attention from every angle and begging for more with a swan song of “I am so drunk.” Never since my college days, have those words echoed so much desperation that I felt pity for their speaker and her plight. I realized the 12 times I changed to find a decent outfit, the time pondering shoes and eye shadow and the pep talk to make me even go were signs of only slight craziness compared to this desperate creature.

Now I am the first person to dress up in blue hair and cleavage, but when it is appropriate like a fashion show or a Halloween party or even downtown on a Saturday. But at a family party with kids and others it just seemed to be a scream for meaning.

An observation like this spurred on my mind as I noticed the bikinied one’s half sister (figuratively) at the Home Depot. Black skinny jeans with strategically placed slits along the front and back from hem to belt loop (very strategic as you could tell she was going commando and I only glanced for a couple seconds.) her bleached-blond mane with frizzy ends and her “Barely Legal” t-shirt gave it away that she was far from barely and had been legal for some time. Maybe it was her daughter or granddaughter’s shirt.

Both of these instances seemed so out of place while a large woman covered in only blue paint and a blue G-string at Madonnaween a few years back received more cheers than jeers and the thong-clad biker chick on the back of her boy’s hot rod got looks, but with only exclamations like “Damn” (and a “Ronn please pay attention, you missed our turn while you were ogling the tanned ass of the Ho” from me.)

I fear that I will one day become desperate like these ladies who probably had it all together at one time and yet, now seem to be falling apart for all the world to see. Married or single at that ripe age, I wonder if I will fall prey to youth and grab it from the hands of its rightful owners begging for a couple good years left.