The Night Before The Day - Number 26

Some say that you must experience the darkness before you see the good. I am grateful for this time of hardship and pain since usually in my life it leads to something better. Not that it is a good thing in itself, but as yin and yang go I can understand it and find it a bit comforting. Sort of like “This too shall pass.”

I have experienced my own share of difficult times in this life, but I tend to not harbor them or dwell on them - only on their outcomes. I lost my mom at an early age and that catapulted me into being a self-sufficient and strong adult. I endured a lot of ridicule growing up and it gave me a tough skin. I have never been the favorite among the men I give my heart to and yet I have escaped relatively unscathed from their disdain and torment.

And now I fluctuate from the eye wall (the most strenuous and hurtful time) to the eye (a calm in the center of the storm) waiting for the latest hours of pain to pass. Instead of breaking down as I have done in the past, I am a bit elated with hope for what I will find after this too passes.

I have decided, as I have done in the recent past when I was kicked to the curb, to take this time to make me better, not for him, but for me and the world. Yes I lost the person I hoped to count on when it came to all things home repair, but now I have the time to take those Home Depot classes. I may no longer have a person to cuddle with and care for, but now I have the opportunity to get back into Hospice volunteering. There is no one to cook for now, but I always have myself and I can try even more new recipes and eat healthier without having junk food around all the time. My future visions may have changed of living quietly in the mountains with my sweetie, but now I can knit and sew and take pictures more to create my own life. I may not be beautiful enough for him, but now I have the time to work out and to really put me first so that I will be more beautiful (on the inside and out) than ever before.

These are the dark days. But as you see there is still hope glowing in my eyes, so I am thankful for the pain I feel knowing that these open wounds will heal and not leave me too scarred. So today I will go to the gym after work, eat very healthy, visit Hospice at lunch time and knit my little fingers off. Not to hide from the pain, but to let it flow through and cause as little damage as possible. And when the day breaks again, maybe I will find the man that really loves me. And if I don’t, then I will still be pretty well off on my own.